This is …

my childhood self …

the curious little girl in pigtails who loved reading, and playing, and roller skating in the street, and swinging as high as the sky, and swimming for hours like a fish,

who cared about others and worried about who might have been hurt when the town emergency sirens would wail,

who was left with a vast hole in her heart when her dachshund died.

This is …

my younger self …

the awkward and unsure woman who was led astray from her desires,

who left footprints on a trail selected for her with no say in the route,

who searched for acceptance and love but found ridicule and hurt,

who has tattoos on her soul inked by ugly words, insecurity, and shame,

who sought escape in glass bottles and liberation in pop-top cans,

who ran away from her heart and smack into detours,

who abandoned her soul to dig a hole so deep it seemed like she’d never emerge from the depths of darkness.

This is …

my determination to say “when” and my commitment to myself …

my rising to right my navigational course spurred by currents of love and hope,

my intrinsic values and talents awake and ready to be seen,

my light that glimmers and shines.

This is …

everyone I’ve ever lost …

my grandparents,

my father,

my God-father,

my father-in-law,

my brother-in-law,

my uncles and aunts, 

treasured friends and colleagues,

students and neighbors,

every single person who still lives in my heart after transcending to another dimension.

This is …

everyone I’ve ever walked besides, and those who still walk next to me … 

my husband,

my brother,

my nieces and nephews,

my sisters,

my mothers,

my family,

my cousins,

my friends,

my colleagues,

my teachers and role models,

my students,

my connections,

every single person who has breezed into and out of my earthly voyage, including those who haven’t arrived just yet.

This is …

every word I’ve ever written,

every thought that’s ever scurried through my mind,

every “what if” that kept me up at night,

every photograph I’ve snapped,

every beat of my heart,

every breath I’ve taken,

every doubt that strangled me,

every step forward,

every step backward,

every tear I’ve cried,

every wow I’ve yelled,

every chuckle I’ve laughed,

every scream I’ve shrieked,

every smile I’ve ever worn on my face,

every pillow I’ve punched,

every hug I’ve given,

every pain I’ve felt,

every diagnosis I’ve been given,

every fear that’s crippled me,

every song I’ve sung,

every dance I’ve danced,

every book I’ve read,

every movie/show I’ve seen,

every sight/taste/smell/touch/sound I’ve sensed,

every one of my idiosyncrasies,

every setback I’ve surmounted,

every victory I’ve celebrated,

and every challenge that defeated me.

This is …

the daybreaks and dusks,

the raindrops and snow squalls,

the hurricanes and floods,

low tides, high tides, and rip tides, 

wind gusts and sunshine,

spring, summer, autumn, and winter,

exhaustion and energy,

breathing and being.

This is …

every second,

every minute,

every hour,

every day,

every month,

every year,

my past,

my present,

my future.

This is …

My journey, which is my purpose.

My purpose, which is my journey.

This is …

Me.

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I’m glad you are here.

With light and love,

Jill

“This” was posted on jillocone.com on August 16, 2023. Views and opinions expressed in this post are solely those of the writer, who was not endorsed or compensated in any manner by any entity; views do not represent any of my employers. Copyright 2023, Jill Ocone. All rights reserved. Contact Jill with reposting, licensing, and publishing inquiries using any of the links below.