Cancer-Cation Chronicles 007: Buffering…

Picture your computer or phone screen with a circle arrow in the center spinning, spinning, and spinning…endlessly rotating yet failing to connect. You are stuck in the void of dropped communication and left sitting in silence.

That’s where I am at right now in healing.

While I am making progress, post stem cell transplant patients like me who had Epstein Barr Virus (EBV) at some point in the past typically experience EBV reactivation within the first few months after transplant. Most patients clear the virus within a month or so, but my EBV reactivation is a defiant curmudgeon who decided to take up shelter in my body. He’s been here for over three months, and from his porch he yells, “Get off my lawn!” to all of my cells and organs. Despite weekly infusions of Rituximab, he’s been messing around with its effectiveness. I’ve undergone some very specialized tests and procedures this week, and once those results are available, my doctor will be able to determine the best way to evict my EBV for good so that my immune system can continue to replenish.

Just another hurdle to fearlessly clear once the spinning arrow finally connects with answers.

As far as I am feeling, my appetite and energy levels wax and wane, but I’m not experiencing any major pain or discomfort. I am slow to get around and frequently use a cane for stability. With my mental clarity on point. I’ve been working on a few projects intended to help others, but didn’t anticipate that work to result in such a beautiful and genuine connection to ME. 

I’ve said this before but it bears repeating. While I would not have chosen to be diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS) and its related conditions/issues, I accept it because it is my truth, and quite honestly, I have no other choice if I want to live.

It’s all about perspective, and complaining wastes time. My very unexpected yet worthy path has provided fortuitous lessons in patience and control, a palpable awareness of equanimity, the desire to stay curious as I connect in gentle silence with myself, and the opportunity to to rely upon my strong foundations of hope and faith.

We all need the time to sit in silence and allow for the buffering, for it’s there where we connect with our true light.

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I’m so glad you are here.

With light and love,

Jill

“Cancer-Cation Chronicles 007: Buffering?” was posted on jillocone.com on May 22, 2025. Artificial Intelligence (AI) was not used at all in creating or writing this post. Views and opinions expressed in this post are solely those of the writer, who was not endorsed or compensated in any manner by any entity; views do not represent any of Jill Ocone’s employers. Copyright 2025, Jill Ocone. All rights reserved. Contact Jill for reposting, licensing, and publishing inquiries using any of the links below.

Beacon of Light

In my opinion, there’s a difference between teachers and mentors.

Teachers typically use lessons and curriculum to instruct particular subject-based knowledge or skills, with the end goal of students learning and demonstrating mastery of said knowledge and skills, afterwhich they move on to the next lesson.

Mentors do the same, but add additional layers of guidance, support, and connection to extend the lesson content and deepen the experience for their students, perhaps by interweaving something about their own journey or a relatable anecdote. There’s a palpable yet indescribable feeling involved, more than just learning, when a mentor works his or her magic. That feeling endures, whereas the academic objectives often become buried somewhere deep within the students’ brain wasteland.

A mentor intuitively guides students to grow by helping to develop and realize their own voices and visions, sometimes when everybody else tells students they are wrong, that’s not how it’s supposed to be, and so on. Mentors make us better versions of ourselves because they selflessly give us a piece of themselves without fanfare or acknowledgement, and that piece of them becomes a part of us for all time.

Picture a child standing on the edge of a precipice. Before her lies a secure rope bridge built with wood planks that stretches across the canyon with the teacher standing at the other side. Every time the child masters what she is supposed to learn, she grasps the ropes in her hands and safely takes a step forward towards her teacher, who provides security and stability. If the child is wrong, she takes a step backwards and tries again. Forward progress eventually happens, and the child reaches the end of the bridge and meets the teacher’s expectations.

Now visualize the same landscape but with sturdy and secure clouds as strong as trampolines floating on either side of the tethered bridge. This time, when the child makes forward progress, the person at the other end of the bridge poses a different challenge. She instructs the child to bounce onto the nearest cloud and think about the bigger picture: how can this lesson be applied in the future rather than just now? What visions or ideas come to mind? How does this make you feel? The child is free to bounce as high as she can while allowing whatever emotions or feelings arise. When the time is right, the child is guided back to the safe and sturdy bridge. She takes a step forward, and like magic, the teacher at the end of the bridge transforms into a mentor. This bridge, however, does not end. It stretches into infinity and continually reinforces the insight of the bouncy clouds.

It is true that the fixed spotlight of a teacher changes their students’ lives, but mentors are beacons, shining their light in all directions like the beams from a lighthouse. Mentors transform and transcend the status quo and open the doors to what is possible without ego and without expecting anything in return. They inspire and foster a different kind of felt experience, where compassion, empathy, accountability and responsibility are intrinsically valued, and where empowerment authentically happens.

When I decided to pursue a career as a teacher, I strived to emulate the mannerisms and attitudes of my favorite high school mentor, Ms. Maas. I had her for several history and social studies classes, the first time by luck and all subsequent times by choice. She was the mentor I didn’t realize I so badly needed. When our time together ended and I graduated, the sacred piece of herself she unselfishly gave to me never left my heart. It still palpitates with life and shimmers with wisdom.

Shortly after I was hired as a high school teacher in 2001, I visited Ms. Maas to thank her for the impact she had on my life. I remember telling her I hoped to be like her, and she immediately corrected me. With her subtle smirk and her distinctive assurance, she instead advised me to be myself, not her. I took her advice, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit her influence has been silently permeating the space of every classroom where I’ve taught over the last 25 years, including high school, yoga, and programs/workshops. 

Ms. Maas never sought accolades yet received countless awards and recognitions as an educator, including being inducted into the Point Pleasant Foundation for Excellence in Education in 2009. She worked hard for everyone, not just for the names on her class roster, and had a profound impact on both the education and local communities through countless acts of altruism, service, and by standing up for what was right. 

I’ve unexpectedly run into her around town over the years and she’d always make the time to stop and chat with me. My heart sank earlier this week when I read that Ms. Maas had passed away, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. Hence, this tribute.

There’s no doubt that Ms. Maas left the world better than she found it. Her beacon of light still shines for me…I can see it, right there, gleaming at a brighter caliber, a higher realm, still guiding, still caring, an unwavering pillar of fortitude and virtue.

Perhaps it is time for us to cut the cord of mindless social media posting and commenting, and instead, think about the Ms. Maas figures who helped shape us. Reach out to these mentors in real time. Perhaps send them a handwritten note or a card to say thank you, or make plans to share a cup of coffee together. Honor these paragons who invariably lit up even just a sliver of our lives, because time is fleeting. Do it now.

Thank you, Ms. Maas, for the indelible imprint you left on me. You will never be forgotten, and your beacon will circle in my sky forever.

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I’m so glad you are here.

With light and love,

Jill

“Beacon of Light” was posted on jillocone.com on April 18, 2025. Artificial Intelligence (AI) was not used at all in creating or writing this post. Views and opinions expressed in this post are solely those of the writer, who was not endorsed or compensated in any manner by any entity; views do not represent any of Jill Ocone’s employers. Copyright 2025, Jill Ocone. All rights reserved. Contact Jill for reposting, licensing, and publishing inquiries using any of the links below.

Cancer-Cation Chronicles 006: Survey Says?

If you heard Richard Dawson’s voice when you read the title of this post, it’s time for you to schedule a colonoscopy.

Today is Day + 82 post stem cell transplant, and it is time for a health update. My bone marrow biopsy taken on St. Patrick’s Day showed no abnormalities in my blood, which is now 100% donor, and no cancer cells or blasts were detected in either my blood or marrow. However, the gene mutations I had pre-transplant are still there, lurking in the quiet, but now is not the time to worry about them. The Epstein Barr reactivation is proving to be stubborn and the virus doesn’t want to vacate my immune system despite ongoing treatment, but otherwise, everything looks to be good. I’m exactly where I am supposed to be recovery-wise, and my next biopsy is scheduled for June.

That’s all fine and good, but none of these transplant-medical-industry terms tell you about how I feel. 

Picture Forrest Gump sitting on his bench and telling the nurse sitting next to him that his Mama said life was like a box of chocolates because you never know what you’re going to get.

That adage perfectly describes the last month.

Each day is different, and at times, each hour is different. Most of the time I feel okay with little to no pain, but my energy level and appetite waxes and wanes. I’m trying to establish a routine, but a routine isn’t conducive on days when my body is moving at the speed of a blobfish. I attempted a short, gentle yoga sequence the other day and spent more time lying on my mat than actively moving. That’s not failure, that’s accepting my right now self in my right now moment, and I still connected with my body, mind, and soul.

The Graft versus Host Disease (GVHD) is monkeying around with skin rashes and a nuisance low-grade fever, but my doctor wants these incidents because it shows my donor dude’s cells are active. My skin has shed several times, which is normal but makes me feel like a reptile. Add that creature to the ever-growing list of what has created the unfinished JILLPOOL, which is a work in progress for sure and will take years to finish building.

Survey says that I’ve blathered on long enough about my health, so let’s change the subject.

I dusted off one of the two half-written novels that reside on my hard drive and have been making slow progress on the manuscript. It’s challenging yet exciting to be writing fiction again. I’ve also been working on other projects and planning out some possible future offerings that combine yoga with journaling.

I am tuned into the sights, sounds, and smells of spring, the season of rebirth. How appropriate! One of my favorite bird songs is that of the song sparrow. His call is on the quiet side and sounds like a little whistle, soft and soothing, and I smile when I hear it. It drizzled on and off yesterday, and even though it was cold, I opened the door several times to breathe in deep the aroma of the freshly fallen rain. I’ve taken a few short, device-free mindful walks around my neighborhood. The yellows of the forsythia, the pinks of the cherry blossoms, and the whites of the magnolias seem brighter this year, more vibrant yet soft, like they were painted by hand. Hearing the children playing outside and the ice cream truck’s teasing tune as it drives around the neighborhood provide a sense of normalcy when there’s absolutely nothing normal about what I am going through.

Survey says? 

Today is a gift. Treat it as such. Take things a moment at a time, because you never know what you’re going to get. 

And you never know what’s coming next.

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I’m so glad you are here.

With light and love,

Jill

“Cancer-Cation Chronicles 006: Survey Says?” was posted on jillocone.com on April 6, 2025. Artificial Intelligence (AI) was not used at all in creating or writing this post. Views and opinions expressed in this post are solely those of the writer, who was not endorsed or compensated in any manner by any entity; views do not represent any of Jill Ocone’s employers. Copyright 2025, Jill Ocone. All rights reserved. Contact Jill for reposting, licensing, and publishing inquiries using any of the links below.

Cancer-cation Chronicles 005: Sweet Dreams (A Poem)

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I’m so glad you are here.

With light and love,

Jill

If you’d like to stay current with my journey, please consider signing up for my newsletter here:

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

“Cancer-cation Chronicles 005: Sweet Dreams (A Poem” was posted on jillocone.com on April 3, 2025. Artificial Intelligence (AI) was not used at all in creating or writing this post.Views and opinions expressed in this post are solely those of the writer, who was not endorsed or compensated in any manner by any entity; views do not represent any of my employers. Copyright 2025, Jill Ocone. All rights reserved. Contact Jill with reposting, licensing, and publishing inquiries using any of the links below.

Cancer-cation Chronicles 002: A New Year’s Call to Live

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I’m so glad you are here.

With light and love,

Jill

If you’d like to stay current with my journey, please consider signing up for my newsletter here:

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

“Cancer-cation Chronicles 002: A New Year’s Call to Live” was posted on jillocone.com on January 1, 2025. Views and opinions expressed in this post are solely those of the writer, who was not endorsed or compensated in any manner by any entity; views do not represent any of my employers. Copyright 2025, Jill Ocone. All rights reserved. Contact Jill with reposting, licensing, and publishing inquiries using any of the links below.