Picture your computer or phone screen with a circle arrow in the center spinning, spinning, and spinning…endlessly rotating yet failing to connect. You are stuck in the void of dropped communication and left sitting in silence.

That’s where I am at right now in healing.

While I am making progress, post stem cell transplant patients like me who had Epstein Barr Virus (EBV) at some point in the past typically experience EBV reactivation within the first few months after transplant. Most patients clear the virus within a month or so, but my EBV reactivation is a defiant curmudgeon who decided to take up shelter in my body. He’s been here for over three months, and from his porch he yells, “Get off my lawn!” to all of my cells and organs. Despite weekly infusions of Rituximab, he’s been messing around with its effectiveness. I’ve undergone some very specialized tests and procedures this week, and once those results are available, my doctor will be able to determine the best way to evict my EBV for good so that my immune system can continue to replenish.

Just another hurdle to fearlessly clear once the spinning arrow finally connects with answers.

As far as I am feeling, my appetite and energy levels wax and wane, but I’m not experiencing any major pain or discomfort. I am slow to get around and frequently use a cane for stability. With my mental clarity on point. I’ve been working on a few projects intended to help others, but didn’t anticipate that work to result in such a beautiful and genuine connection to ME. 

I’ve said this before but it bears repeating. While I would not have chosen to be diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS) and its related conditions/issues, I accept it because it is my truth, and quite honestly, I have no other choice if I want to live.

It’s all about perspective, and complaining wastes time. My very unexpected yet worthy path has provided fortuitous lessons in patience and control, a palpable awareness of equanimity, the desire to stay curious as I connect in gentle silence with myself, and the opportunity to to rely upon my strong foundations of hope and faith.

We all need the time to sit in silence and allow for the buffering, for it’s there where we connect with our true light.

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I’m so glad you are here.

With light and love,

Jill

“Cancer-Cation Chronicles 007: Buffering?” was posted on jillocone.com on May 22, 2025. Artificial Intelligence (AI) was not used at all in creating or writing this post. Views and opinions expressed in this post are solely those of the writer, who was not endorsed or compensated in any manner by any entity; views do not represent any of Jill Ocone’s employers. Copyright 2025, Jill Ocone. All rights reserved. Contact Jill for reposting, licensing, and publishing inquiries using any of the links below.